Chapter 1: The Dichotomy of Pain

When considering the question of which is more unbearable—experiencing pain or recalling it—the answer may surprise you.

If you were to ask me whether enduring pain or reminiscing about it is worse, I would quickly assert that the two cannot be compared. Experiencing physical pain is undeniably more intense than simply recalling it. After all, a memory is just that—a thought—whereas actual pain is a visceral reality. However, this perspective is more nuanced than it appears.

Human beings are intricate and often prioritize memories over real experiences. The way we recall our experiences may not align perfectly with how we actually felt in the moment. Yet, when it comes to decision-making, it’s our memories that hold sway.

My Painful Childbirth Experiences

Throughout my life, I have given birth twice, both of which were profoundly painful experiences. For one of these births, I received medication, while the other was unmedicated. Interestingly, I perceive the first to have been far more agonizing than the second.

The most intense pain I have ever experienced was during childbirth. However, my two experiences were significantly different. With my first daughter, labor lasted over thirty hours from the initial contraction. Initially, the pain was manageable, but once my waters broke, I endured the most excruciating pain for over six hours, unable to receive medication until I was further along. I often found myself uttering phrases like “I can’t do this” amid my resolve to go unmedicated. Ultimately, I opted for an epidural, which allowed me a moment of respite.

Conversely, my second daughter arrived much more swiftly. I was uncertain whether I was experiencing mild contractions or simply a bad nap until it was too late to make it to the hospital. This time, the entire process lasted less than two hours, culminating in an unmedicated delivery on my kitchen floor.

In hindsight, I remember the first birth as unbearably painful, while my recollection of the second is more positive. Although I still recall some discomfort from the latter, it seems less severe in retrospect, contrasting sharply with the vivid memory of my first childbirth, which was filled with cries loud enough for neighbors to hear. It’s curious how memories can transform over time.

The Experiencing Self vs. The Remembering Self

Daniel Kahneman, a Nobel Prize-winning psychologist, explores this concept in his book Thinking, Fast and Slow. He references an insightful experiment that illustrates how our decision-making regarding pain is often not as rational as we believe.

In the study, participants submerged their hands in painfully cold water for two different trials. The first trial involved a steady 60 seconds in cold water, while the second trial included the same duration but concluded with 30 seconds of gradually warming water. Participants reported their pain levels throughout and were later asked which trial they would prefer to repeat.

Despite experiencing greater discomfort during the second trial, a surprising 80% of participants chose to repeat it due to the relief they felt at the end of the episode. This highlights a disconnect between our experiencing self (the one who endures pain) and our remembering self (the one who recalls the pain).

The Implications of Memory on Decision-Making

Kahneman’s findings indicate that our memories of experiences can influence our choices significantly, often leading us to make decisions based on how we felt in the aftermath rather than in the moment. Reflecting on my own childbirth experiences, I realize that while my peak pain might have been more intense during my second delivery, the positive conclusion shaped my overall memory of that event.

This brings us to a broader question: should we prioritize our experiencing self or our remembering self when making choices? For instance, in medical settings, should the focus be on minimizing peak pain or enhancing the overall experience? A shorter procedure might involve more acute pain, while a longer one could offer gradual relief, leading to a more positive memory.

As Kahneman suggests, mixing up the experience with its memory can create a compelling cognitive illusion, making us believe that a past experience has been irrevocably marred.

Learning from Our Experiences

Our perceptions of past experiences can be tainted by new knowledge or subsequent events, leading us to reassess our memories unfavorably. While we may strive for rationality, our psychology often defies straightforward logic.

Reflecting on my childbirth experiences, I realize that if I were to give birth again, I would consider both my memories and the facts to devise a more informed birth plan. Understanding how our minds work can help us navigate biases and make choices that lead to more favorable outcomes.

The first video, This Book Changed My Relationship to Pain, delves into how literature can transform our understanding of pain and its memory, paralleling the themes discussed.

The second video, TEDxAdelaide - Lorimer Moseley - Why Things Hurt, explores the complexities of pain perception and memory, further illuminating the nuances of our experiences.