Reclaiming Time and Energy: Lessons from My Journey
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Chapter 1: A New Beginning
In hindsight, the combination of the divorce and the pandemic gifted me something invaluable: my time and, subsequently, my energy. I’m grateful to the universe for this realization.
I hadn’t understood how much time I had dedicated to catering to my ex's preferences, whether that meant frequent visits to craft breweries or adhering to his strict organic diet. My desire to make him happy led me to compromise excessively, draining my energy through endless household responsibilities.
Once he moved out in late October 2020, I began to reclaim my time and energy. Here’s a glimpse of my accomplishments during that period:
- Completed the stalled home remodel from 2020
- Landscaped the front and back yards in 2021
- Filed for divorce independently and finalized it in March 2021
- Enhanced the home's curb appeal by March 2022
- Sold the house in May 2022
- Purchased a new home in May 2022
- Began remodeling my new home in a location I adore, near the beach!
It took me three years, a divorce, and significant self-reflection, but I am proud of my perseverance.
Of course, I couldn't celebrate right away; challenges continued to arise. During the move, I contracted COVID-19 from students in my after-school program. "I’m sorry, Ms. Alayne, I know I gave you COVID, but my parents made me go to school while I was sick." At least I learned who was responsible. More on that later: I was quite ill for two weeks.
Takeaways for Transforming Your Life: The Importance of Change
Change is challenging yet immensely rewarding. As I wrap up this series, I find myself in a new home, able to write this reflection. I had support from my brother, his girlfriend, neighbors, and various hired helpers (thank you, TaskRabbit!).
My new life feels like a victory after the struggles of recent years. I can breathe and genuinely feel hopeful, as my goals are now being realized. There’s no better feeling!
Here are four key lessons I’ve learned throughout this journey:
1. Embrace Time to Transform Your Life
The first lesson is that you need time to truly transform your life. Time can be understood in two ways:
- Reflection: You need to create space for introspection, which might involve looking back through journals to identify patterns. This process can be painful, akin to confronting dumpster fires. However, it’s essential to list what’s broken. You need some distance to see clearly.
- Investment: Everything worthwhile requires time, and how you allocate your time will determine your success. Coaches often emphasize this, and it’s profoundly true. Be honest with yourself.
In my experience, I devoted countless hours to preparing organic meals for my ex, yet this did not align with my goal of renovating the house. It became evident that to achieve my objectives, I needed to align my time with my priorities. Your energy follows where you invest your time.
It may seem obvious, but it bears repeating: ensure that how you spend your time aligns with your goals. Reclaim your time. It might be tough, but it’s essential.
2. Identify and Address Unhelpful Relationships
The second takeaway is to recognize when people in your life are hindering your well-being. While you can choose your friends, family dynamics are often more complicated, so I’ll focus on friendships.
To become the person I need to be, I’ve had to accept that others must either support my growth or step back. This realization was particularly evident with my ex-spouse. I’ve also distanced myself from friends who didn’t have my best interests at heart. Divorce often reveals others’ insecurities and true feelings. Sometimes, people will take sides or distract you, which can be painful. Acknowledge these behaviors and respond accordingly.
Change is tough—keep reminding yourself of that. Then affirm: I can face difficult challenges!
You cannot force someone to love you; respect must be earned. When a relationship feels unbalanced, assess whether it can be improved. If the answer is no, move on. Your journey is yours alone, and you have enough obstacles.
3. Seek Additional Help When Needed
My third lesson is that, despite the well-meaning nature of friends and family, sometimes you need extra assistance. After my divorce and move, I found myself unable to move heavy furniture alone. Everyone was busy with work, so I had to hire help through TaskRabbit.
Even if you think you can do it all, be realistic. I had to come to grips with my limitations, which was difficult to admit. Don’t struggle unnecessarily; prioritize what’s truly important. Is your friendship worth more than a small fee for help? Hiring someone to move furniture saved me time and stress, and I could forgo a few lattes to make it happen.
4. Practice Self-Compassion
The final takeaway is to be gentle with yourself and prioritize self-care. I felt frustrated when I contracted COVID, viewing it as a personal failure. If you haven’t experienced it yet, you likely will—especially in areas where precautions have been relaxed.
I reside in Florida, where we’ve been living without masks since 2021. Despite my best efforts to stay safe, I caught a particularly virulent strain. It’s clear that COVID-19 is here to stay, and we must take care of ourselves—prioritize sleep, hydration, and vaccinations.
If any of this resonates with you, I’d love to hear your thoughts. Wishing you all the best on your journey! If I can navigate this, so can you!
Alayne Unterberger is a feminist, medical anthropologist, nonprofit worker, fur mom, and writer. @dralayne
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