Chapter 1: The Theoretical Framework of Diaper Changes

Sir Isaac Newton: the esteemed pioneer of pee and poop.

A clean diaper at rest will remain undisturbed, but only for a fleeting moment.

A soiled diaper stays put unless an overwhelming odor fills the air or a deafening cry signals the urgent need for a change.

A wriggling baby in motion continues to squirm on the changing table, adamantly refusing to stay still.

A parent, meanwhile, is propelled into action upon discovering they’ve run out of wipes just after tackling a particularly messy diaper.

The speed at which a baby flails their limbs inversely correlates with the feeble grip of the changing pad’s strap and the parent’s diminishing energy reserves.

The velocity of baby excrement is determined by the volume of milk ingested and the enthusiastic engagement of their tiny muscles, which they are eager to master.

Whenever one outfit gets dirty, the previously clean one inevitably becomes tainted as well.

This cycle of clothing disasters continues until every clean outfit has been exhausted, or the parent resigns themselves to the futility of keeping their infant tidy.

Whenever a new and unusual color of poop appears, the parent instinctively rushes to Google, frantically searching “is [blue] poop normal?”

This may also trigger a phenomenon known as grandparental causation, wherein grandparents share vivid memories of the various sizes, shapes, and colors of their own children's feces from yesteryears.

Applying diaper cream to a baby’s bottom results in an equal and opposite reaction of explosive messiness.

This reaction elicits a proportional emotional response from the parent, who was likely preparing to leave the house and is now late for their commitments.

According to gravity, when a jet of urine arcs across the nursery, it is guaranteed to land squarely on the only pile of clean laundry within reach.

The impact of a diaper blowout affects every surface nearby—your hands, the baby's hands, the walls, the floor vents, and even the narrow crevices of your changing table, where remnants will linger long after your child has left for college.

Nat Hrvatin, a writer based in Cleveland, Ohio, is likely in the midst of pleading with her baby to remain still during a diaper change. Her work has been featured in The New Yorker, McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, and various other platforms. You can connect with her on Twitter and Instagram as @NatHrvatin or at nathrvatin.com.

More from Nat on The Belladonna:

• Yes, It’s Totally Normal to Inhale My Dog’s Breath Right Now

  It’s so deliciously disgusting!

Chapter 2: The Science of Diaper Dynamics

To further understand the hilarity of diaper changes, let’s dive into some entertaining videos.

The first video titled "Newton's Laws Explained with Balloons" humorously illustrates the fundamental principles of motion, making it relatable to the chaotic world of parenting.

In the second video, "Newton's 3 (three) Laws of Motion," we see practical demonstrations of the laws that can parallel the experiences of diaper changing.