Chapter 1: Understanding Our Unique Connections

Family dynamics can be intricate and varied. As Leo Tolstoy famously stated, “Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” I would argue, however, that every family, whether happy or not, has its unique struggles. Often, those that project happiness may be masking deeper issues. Is there anyone who can relate to this?

As a mother to five daughters, aged 20, 19, 9, 2, and 2, I’ve experienced firsthand how different personalities and stages of life impact relationships. My eldest three daughters are from my first marriage, while the youngest two came from my third.

In 2013, my life took a drastic turn when my first husband was imprisoned for wire fraud, which was compounded by our divorce and a departure from the Mormon faith. This upheaval reshaped our family life entirely.

I chose to homeschool my two oldest girls from kindergarten through fifth grade. For the first time, I began working outside the home, which affected my bond with my 19-year-old daughter. She had always been my little helper, but as I became consumed with work and running races to cope with my emotional state, our relationship grew distant.

It wasn’t until later that I realized she must have felt abandoned during those years. I struggled to articulate my own feelings to her, fearing it might frighten her. While I aimed to be her strong, capable mother, I was grappling with uncertainty about my own identity after leaving homemaking and the church.

The ideal life I envisioned as a young woman—married in the temple, raising children, and following a traditional Mormon path—had been irrevocably altered.

During this challenging time, my daughter entered a rebellious phase. She began wearing heavy eyeliner, associating with questionable peers, and neglecting her studies, actions she knew would disappoint me.

I discovered that focusing solely on chores, schoolwork, and future aspirations wouldn’t encourage my daughters to share their lives with me. When my 13-year-old began to shut me out, I had to adopt a detective-like approach to uncover what was truly happening in her life.

Grounding her became a common practice, as did confiscating her phone and demanding her passwords. While I assigned her additional chores, I endured her eye rolls and dismissive comments.

Then, a breakthrough occurred. She asked to join me for a run, and during those moments, our relationship began to mend. As we ran together, she opened up about her struggles during middle school, revealing experiences that had caused her pain. It was heartbreaking to learn that she hadn’t felt safe confiding in me during that time.

I had to forgive myself for not being there for her. My new mantra became: “Be. Here. Now.”

Navigating the balance between being a mother and a friend is delicate, requiring me to discern when to offer guidance and when to simply listen. By fostering a supportive environment, our communication improved, and she felt comfortable sharing her thoughts and experiences.

With love and respect at the forefront, I learned the importance of listening with empathy. This shift transformed her outlook from one of hopelessness to optimism. Today, she stands as a remarkable, intelligent, responsible individual, and I feel fortunate to call her my daughter.

Chapter 2: The Journey with My Other Daughters

As I mentioned, my relationship with each of my five daughters is unique. Each one presents its own challenges and joys, teaching me the nuances of love and support in motherhood. One universal truth I’ve discovered is that love and affection truly go a long way.