Chapter 1: Rethinking Second Best

Second best often gets a negative reputation, doesn’t it? But is it possible for second best to actually be the best option for you? Can you still consider yourself a winner even if you come in second place?

Reflecting on my upbringing, my parents never pressured me to be the best. I'm uncertain if that was beneficial. Regardless of their approach, there’s no doubt that they would have been critiqued no matter what. When I excelled academically, they appeared surprised, likely because I attended a reputable school nestled in a challenging neighborhood. The teachers there seemed so out of touch, as if they were teaching from another universe.

At a parents' evening, when my mother was asked about my aspirations after A levels, she humorously claimed I wanted to become a stripper or a rock band groupie. Though it was meant as a joke, I didn’t possess the physique for either career, which left me feeling embarrassed. This experience only reinforced my belief that anything less than first place was unacceptable.

Do we really have to be number one? Or could being second best be the new standard?

Many of us have been conditioned to chase after promotions, higher salaries, and greater achievements. The pressure to continuously improve can be overwhelming, and increasingly, people are opting out of this relentless pursuit. Is it necessary to have a larger vehicle or a more expansive home?

However, there are certainly aspects of life where settling for second best is not an option. No one aspires to be in a subpar relationship, for instance.

When you consider your partner, do you see them as second choice? Is there a lingering attachment to someone who didn’t reciprocate your feelings? Perhaps you adored someone who didn’t feel the same about you. Both scenarios can lead to viewing your current partner as less than ideal. Clients frequently tell me their partner feels like a fallback option, but they hesitate to disrupt the family unit.

In exploring this, it often comes down to a past love or someone who betrayed their trust. When reminiscing, we tend to focus solely on the positives, which can skew our perception of what we truly felt.

Think back to your initial feelings when you were with your ex. How did it feel? Now, recall a moment when they disappointed you. How does that memory sit with you?

Our thoughts are heavily influenced by the present moment, and if you continually perceive your partner as second best, that perception will prevail.

On the other hand, if you feel like you're in a second-best position within your relationship, that can be disheartening. Ask yourself why you feel this way. Are you comparing yourself to your partner's previous relationships? If you see yourself as second best, it's no surprise if they do too.

If your partner explicitly states you're their second choice, it’s essential to assess whether that’s acceptable for you. If not, it might be time to reconsider your situation.

Chapter 2: The Value of Being Good Enough

No one would advocate for settling for second best in any aspect of life. Yet, I believe that "good enough" can be just that—good enough.

I have often found myself lost in the vortex of social media, feeling like everyone else is thriving while I’m stuck in the shadows. Yet, a quiet voice inside me whispers, "Admit it; you don’t genuinely desire that hustle and grind."

I am passionate about coaching and deeply value my clients, but I have no desire to boast about exorbitant earnings or a long waiting list. Does that make me second best? I don’t think so. It simply means I prioritize a lifestyle that resonates with me.

Avoid the pitfall of comparing yourself to others who seem to be doing better. You cannot live an inferior life unless you convince yourself of that narrative. If you believe that second best is all you can attain, then that becomes your reality.

When you contemplate your desires, do you instinctively assume they’re unattainable? Do you list reasons why you can’t achieve them?

Do you feel worthy of being first? If your mindset leans towards believing that striving for the top is reserved for others, it’s time to challenge that belief.

This mindset doesn’t originate from birth; it often stems from childhood messages like “don’t get above yourself” or “know your place.” Such conditioning can create barriers in pursuing your goals.

Even now, I sometimes catch myself thinking, "Who do I think I am to aspire for that?" Then, I remind myself with a laugh that these thoughts are merely remnants of my upbringing.

Second best is ultimately a mental state. While it’s possible to come in second in a competition, that doesn’t define your worth unless you allow it to. If you do your best, how can that be deemed second best? Your effort is your best, and that always positions you as a winner.